As mentioned in my previous post, In The Beginning, (And if you have not read my previous post God’s Children I would recommend reading it first, as this is a continuation.) God declared that humans are to rule over animals and that there is something that He gave humans that animals do not have. Animals are governed by dominance and rewards. We humans can train and manage animals by those means, first by dominance and second by rewards. Just ask any dog trainer. When we establish dominance and give rewards, the animals will respond with affection and obedience. But that is not how human relationship works, nor how God’s relationship works. In it, there is also forgiveness, grace, and communication. It baffles me that one of the most prominent family advocates, the late Dr. James Dobson, in his very famous book The Strong Willed Child, explains that he bases his parenting method on how he trained his dog. Then he claims how Biblical that is, when it’s not based on Biblical values at all. It’s entirely based on fear, and that is a form of training for an animal, not a human. The same goes for Michael and Debi Pearl, To Train Up a Child, where they outright teach you that you punish a child like you treat an animal to train them. The Pearls have influenced many other Christian leaders.
So, how do we establish Bible based parenting? By looking at and studying the God who created it. There are two aspects from which we can see God’s parenting: the aspect of what He did, and the aspect of how He did it. Those are opposing views, and most people only look at what He did and not how He dealt with them. First, we have to distinguish between those who are and those who are not His children. Just like us, as parents, we will not treat those who are in our family the same as those who are not. In a roundabout way, think of it as an old Italian mob family; they take care of their own. Those on the outside are not treated the same as those on the inside. When you look at what God did to those who are not His children and apply that to those who are, it’s not the same. It sounds obvious, but many people will not discern the difference. Since God is never changing, we should see a pattern in how He dealt with His own, and we will look at how He did it, not what He did.
You can’t miss Moses in the Bible; he wrote the first five books, and even though God used him in mighty ways, he was a bit of a hothead. Early in his life, he killed a man (Exodus 2:11~15), and you see here God did not specifically do anything. There was a natural consequence, and he ended up fleeing. That was a humbling experience. Sometimes, as we will see, God lets the natural result of our actions play out, just as we as parents often do. But Moses still had his moments. One of those was when he was told by God (and you can guess from Moses’ verbiage that he was really fed up with the people, he called them rebels, an example of letting your anger get the best of you) to speak to the rock, and it would give water. But instead, he struck the rock (Numbers 20:8~12) and God still gave forth water, but then told Moses he would not go into the Promised Land because of his disobedience. I am sure that broke his heart, but he accepted the consequence, and even then, God showed him grace and at least let him see it. (Deuteronomy 34).
Another Biblical figure that messed up a lot is David, even though he was “a man after God’s own heart.” (1 Samuel 13:14) When David would seek God’s advice, things would work out. However, when he would do something that God didn’t approve of, that did not work out so well. David once didn’t seek God’s input and moved into the enemy’s territory (1 Samuel 27, Psalm 56, Psalm 34), a bad idea. (1 Samuel 29~30) He ended up having his wives and kids captured. Here is another example of God not necessarily giving a consequence directly, but letting natural consequences take place. You will then notice in 1 Samuel 30:8 that David realized his mistake and asked God’s permission first, and God granted him grace, although David had caused the issue himself. Just like parents, God will help us when we screw up, even when it’s our own fault. That is relationship.
Still, David had his moments. He did something he should not have and took advantage of Bathsheba, committing both murder and adultery. (2 Samuel 11) God did not just zap him, but instead, his consequence was more personal, and he lost the child. God here used the relationship He had with David, and the result was fair to the crime. David was heartbroken, but his relationship with God remained intact. (Psalm 51) The lesson here is that God’s primary focus for consequences is to restore the relationship. Not to cause pain, though pain is sometimes involved, but the main objective is restoring the relationship.
In the New Testament, Paul is reacting to a man who was living a sinful lifestyle among the believers at Corinth. (1 Corinthians 5) He firmly told the believers to treat the man as an outsider (1 Corinthians 5:13), as his sinful behavior would corrupt the believers. This is a discipline of boundaries; sometimes a boundary needs to be set and cannot be crossed. As parents, we sometimes have to cut ties with older children to protect the younger ones. We see Jesus also doing this; He never focused on trying to save those who felt they did not need saving. Sometimes, you have to walk away, and that is okay. Sometimes the break in the relationship will drive them to change, as seen in the Corinthian man (2 Corinthians 2:5-11). However, sometimes the relationship is not worth enough to them, and you have to maintain the boundary.
You may ask, what about other extreme examples, such as Ananias and Sapphira in Acts 5? That seemed rather harsh. God appeared to take them just for lying, but I believe there is more to this. They deliberately deceived the apostles and were given the opportunity to repent, but they refused. Does God sometimes use extreme measures against His own? Yes, but it is more about restoring the relationship than wanting to cause pain. In this story, we don’t have all the facts; we cannot determine exactly why God took them rather than some other reason. However, what we do know is that they were trying to deceive the Holy Spirit, and instead of a rule, a relationship was broken.
So we see this theme over and over. The response is a broken or strained relationship, being a natural consequence or something God directly causes. The hopeful response is to see the relationship restored. What happens when the person does not want to fix the relationship? God treats them like an outsider until they repent. Sometimes they do, sometimes not. As parents, that is our model. What is Bible Based Parenting? It is studying the character of God, holding boundaries, showing grace and mercy, and being an example. Jesus came to this earth to be an example (1 Peter 2:21); we are the example to our children. For a more specific approach, get my wife’s book Connected & Confident Parenting on Amazon.com.
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